(no subject)

[sholanda]

one good thing about all this,
besides sammy's change of profession, which is fantastic and i'm so proud of him,

is that this gives the kid and i an oppurtunity to get closer again. it should never be that i am so busy with my life that i don't find the time to connect with him. but unfortunately, it was getting that way. these last few days have been good about just being with him, spending all day with him and loving it for the most part. today was really good, since we haven't really done the carseat thing all day like yesterday and especially the day before. we just got back from kickin it at manhattan beach again. just me and him. i made a huge OM in the sand. he thought it was train tracks and a station. he played contentedly for a long time. so long, that i was beginning to get uncomfortable with my thoughts and ready to go.

it seems like i can't be too still with myself without getting uncomfortable. there are things i need to face, to fess up to, to live with.

i am not always a good person.

my latenights, which used to have a pattern and a predictable storyline, have been changing. just divert and avoid, and try to forget the things that hurt.

life at a distance,
you're lost
in your own personal holoucast

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