(no subject)

we are looking for a kitten. a grey tabby female 6 weeks or older. i can't believe how hard it is to find one in la. if anyone has kittens available for adoption please comment.

we are in the west valley.

we know about petsmart/petco adoptions and petfinder.com and all that. we were turned down at a pet adoption rescue place because i said i MIGHT let the cat go outside in my 8 foot fenced backyard. i guess now we know to lie but GOOD GOD. i guess a cat is better off in a stinky cage than with a family that might let it go outside under supervision!

natasha is 5 and she's always been indoor/outdoor. good lord.

i ain't comin down no never i'm not

i just watched y tu mama tambien.
wow.

so i am feeling very morbid lately. thinking of cunning little things like how lucky i am to love my job- and all i had to give up was my kid. and what if i died- what would happen and how would it all play out? and i feel so homesick lately and what if one of my family dies- will i feel the mega-guilt of the universe and move back to oklahoma and build really fabulous barns for the rest of my life??

i feel sorry for the children, really. to have to be around me when i'm like this. i have a problem. this time in my life is just not feeling right to me and i'm taking it out on everyone else. i need to identify the root of what's really wrong. of course it can't all be the bloodflow, i am seriously bothered and disatisfied and cannot even stand myself.

the day after we went out in the limo last weekend i wanted to hide under the bed and not come out. i was dying of embarrassment. i just feel like the biggest loser and god how can my friends even like me and all the times i put my foot in my mouth came back to me and i can hardly stand myself. again.

a good thing is we went to a really rad nursery this afternoon and it was way cool. i got some gerbera daisies in hot pink and sam got strawbabies and we let the kids pick out one thing each. isaijah picked a sweet yellow lantana and q picked some varigated coleus. and we bought worms. which was surreal.

i can hardly stand myself. i'm going to go make art.