sholanda: (11.01)
oh, isaijah.

i try not to write about him too much, since he is my life and this is MY journal.

but, man.

i think he's still a little bit depressed about his hair. i must admit, i am more greatly affected by it than i thought i would be. his eyes are so startling now, and his ears...well, he has my ears. i watch him differently now, he is a different boy.

today was my first work day at the co-op preschool. i picked this because it is a parent-participatory school. parents run the school, so there are always like 6 mamas around. i am responsible for a slew of things including membership meetings, silent auction and other fundraising. but the big things are the work day(once a week working in the school) and great job. today i was position number 3: kitchen.
ijah was very clingy to me, and seemed to be having a rough time. he didn't want me to go with him this morning. i think he was feeling very "this is MY place". but once i got there i noticed that he was sitting apart from the other kids. he wanted to hang out in the kitchen with me and refused to go outside during the BIG playground time (which is usually his favorite part!). i heard one mom say to her kid "go sit by him, he's shy" about isaijah. then when it was circle time olivia was being crowned friend of the week (this really cute thing they do. they celebrate each member of the class for a week. making them these elaborate crowns and putting up baby pictures of them and making them a book to take home. it was heartmelting) and i wanted to see. ijah was NOT into me being there. he fussed and then when i wouldn't let him stand on his head he started to Throw A Fit.
in preschool.
marion, the scottish teacher who is really a beautiful person, said i could take him outside.
it was crazy.

so at the end of the day when we had "the huddle" at the security gate, marion mentioned to me not to worry and that kids are clingy sometimes when it's your workday. everyone agreed.
i blurted out that he seemed sad about his hair still.
kahlina said that her hairdresser, an old school armenian lady, says that kids get weak when their hair is cut.
makes sense.
i mean, it is pretty drastic. i dunno.
i'm a little depressed about it too, even though i know it will grow out.
the funny thing is, i care more about his hair than mine. in tucson, when i was chopping on my hair a lot, i really fucked it up. i wore it a little fucked up for awhile and then i buzzed it. i didn't care! i thought it was cool i guess, but i didn't really fucking care one way or the other.
and i did it myself, no one did it TO me.

he was all sad when he went to bed last night, too.
his very last words to me yesterday were "mommy, i don't want my hair this way"

*crushed*

i know, i know. it'll grow back.
it's just on my mind.

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sholanda

November 2014

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